This one is for the ones who struggle. The ones who started out with just a diet. The ones whose entire value was suddenly projected to and defined by their caloric intake. The ones who feel that because they don’t fit a size 0 they won’t fit in. The ones mindfucked by the feeling their weight oscillate between 70lbs and 170lbs at least 3756 times a day. The ones who can’t cope with a square of dark chocolate when not long ago they’d be spooning ice cream out of the pint while giggling with friends after an afternoon playing in the pool. The ones who fake a smile in public, isolate themselves and keep a suffocating amount of secrets. The ones who once in an almost never are struck by the question “but I am capable of so much and there are so many amazing things life is desperate to show me - why do I keep doing this?” This one is for the ones who don’t know how to stop. The ones who didn’t see it coming. The ones who wish not to kill themselves only because of the undeserving and merciless toll it’d take on family & friends, but still wish to puff away. This ones is for the ones who know better, but can’t do better.
But this one is for the ones who do see themselves out of it - somehow.
Regardless of what your eating disorder, backgrounds, weight, destructive rituals, we are all united by one thing: the inability to normally cope with food.
Fuck what they say. Fuck if they think it’s just to “stop eating”, “eat” or “don’t worry about the chemicals”. Fuck if they say only girls can have it. Fuck if they think it’s stupid. Fuck if they think it’s superficial. Fuck them all, and be happy for their ignorance because the reason you know they’re wrong is because you are destroyed by the truth every single day. See how ignorance is a fucking bliss?
But the really blessed soul here is you. You know it’s hard, because there is nothing worse than having your life controlled by the only thing that can keep you literally alive.
You want to be free. You want to let go. You want to convince your mind in all levels that you are way more than your weight and meals. You want to taste life again. You want to be electroshocked so that you forget everything you learned about food and yourself. You want to start over. But that’s when you need to KEEP GOING.
I promise each one of you that there’s a way out for each of us. I promise you, it will go away. It will either suddenly leave you or gradually fade, either because of something or someone, either because of hope or desperation. But peace is to come, and you’ll be alive again.
As subjective as recoveries are, the first step forward is to know that nobody criticizes you as much as you think. You can be a disordered eater and a drug addict, compulsive liar, maniac, cleptomaniac, suicidal, bipolar, depressive, or whatever - but there is always some soul who will see the best in you and pray that you get better. Be them people who either have seen you better long ago or just met you, it doesn’t matter because potential doesn’t require acquaintance in order to be detected and appreciated.
Small steps, doll. If you’re sick of your current situation, change it - just in the way you can. Meet new people, and open yourself up - just in the way you can. Respect your endurance, your feelings. You’ve gone so long disrespecting yourself, sweetie, you know it’s not the solution to be so hard. So please take it easy this time.
There will be dumb people in the way who will be repelled once you disclose your struggles, but keeping it all to yourself simply annuls the chances of meeting and/or detecting the people you need in this moment. The right ones will understand, encourage you to seek help, make your life colorful so effortlessly in little time. They will teach you your worth of a life as wonderful as you are. They will teach you to love yourself.
There is a way out. I promise.